EYES CLOSE

I wake up in the middle of the night, I still look as if I am dreaming, but I am awake. My eyes are closed and if someone were to check on me probably will  stare at me for a couple of seconds, closed the door and carry on. My eyes are closed, but I am awake inside.

After a few minutes, deciding whether or not I will open my eyes, this manageable fear invades my body leading me to wonder myself if I know where I am. Images of different places will challenge me to pick the right one for that particular moment. After choosing a place, I open my eyes waking up in darkness and try to recognize the world in the absence of light. I close my eyes again.

I start thinking about you. It has been so long, do you still remember me?, am I still part of your life?, What if I was never born...would you still miss me?. My mind is racing and my heart has agreed to do the same, with the determination of stopping me from being in an unconscious state.

Have I done things right? Did I remember to do everything today? What do I have to do tomorrow? How tall will they be? What will they do? Will I be what they expect? Am I doing things right? Will we receive help from God? What is the new challenge? Have you been without me for so long that it doesn't matter anymore to you?...Is it my fault?.

I will wake up or I will wait for time to do its job. I will have this desperate desire of talking to you  that you wouldn't understand...again. I would want to disprove the theories and fears that hunt and torture me. You will be sleeping and in a few hours you will not want to get up, check your phone. Maybe you will text me "Good morning, I love you", or if you overslept...you will jump in the shower, get dress and go downstairs. Your mother will know that you are up, she will make you breakfast and you will drink your coffee in the mug that I gave you. Then, you will sit down in the chair that I have been telling you it hurts your back. Turn on the computer and start the work and the life that you didn't ask for.

"Draft saved at 4:51 AM". You will wake up in a couple of hours, and maybe I will not have the same questions or fears in a couple of hours, but this time there is documentation that they were there.